Private

[mc_mike]

I haven't done this in months.


I don't know what to bloody write anymore. I don't know what to bloody think anymore.


Except for him.



Can't ruddy believe the last time I saw him ali was a year ago. A whole sodding year. If I knew that'd be the last ... I'd've taken the extra time on the platform to say a proper goodbye. And I'd've made plans right then and there to go home for Easter hols. I'd've begged him to take mum and Alex somewhere to celebrate my birthday, go on holiday somewhere out of country a couple days beforehand. I'd've made him promise to keep them safe. All of them.

A lot of bloody good my "would haves" do now.

I can't fucking stop this mess. I can't stop -- ever since the watch and then Padma asking about him, it's been an onslaught of -- I haven't talked about him to anyone, not since Mum this summer past. Sodding hell, I couldn't go back for the hols this time around. I couldn't face her. Everyone was bloody going home. Bayhall's nice and all, but it's not home. I couldn't bloody pretend that it was.





And Padma stayed.






Padma fixed his my the pocketwatch. Granted the wind doesn't work and the hands are a bit off, and the missing springs or four keep it from working properly, but she fixed it. I don't know how, I didn't ask her, but she did. I came off my swim in the Prefect's bath and there it was, same ruddy place I left it in pieces next to her, repaired, looking like it used to when dad had it. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to.

I don't remember thanking her.

Fucking Merlin, I'm an arse.




Dad.


Dead.



Funny. One little extraneous letter makes the difference between Dad and de

Fuck.

I can do this. I can. Not saying anything is getting me nowhere and nothing I can say will bring him back. I know that. I know that. Because he's gone. Because he's

Fuck. Fuck it. Fuck it all to hell and back.

Dead. Sodding sonofabitch, he's dead.


What's the big ruddy deal anyway? Don't know why it's so bloody important to say that shite. Why the hell dwell on the way things used to be when living in the past never gets anyone anywhere except stuck?

I'm not one about the past.

So then how the fuck do I get him to go away?