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The Ten Things I've Learnt in India Thus Far
10) The Taj Mahal's fucking incredible.
9) Sometimes cobbing's necessary to get your girlfriend a seat on a coach. A good throw in's not so bad an idea either.
8) It takes three full days for your body to acclimate to Indian cuisine.
7) Beaches aren't for swimming. They're for congregating.
6) No matter where you are, never tell any of your girlfriend's family you're undecided in your future. You'll wind up with a long list of arse-numbingly dull suggestions and unwanted expectations to follow through with them.
5) Cows are like tourists. They're sodding everywhere.
4) You don't casually cross a street in India. It's bleeding impossible. You close your eyes, pray to Merlin's goolies that you'll make it across, run for it, and try not to hit a cow.
3) Monkeys have no shame. The cheeky buggers'll stick their hands down your trouser pockets for anything in hopes of grabbing a peanut.
2) The Indians were really onto something with the whole Kama Sutra thing.
And lastly, the most important lesson I've learnt thus far on my Indian holiday:
1) Always drink bottled water. Always. Life or death, we're talking about here. But don't buy any from the kids on the street. And we thought You-Know-Who was a bloody menace.
9) Sometimes cobbing's necessary to get your girlfriend a seat on a coach. A good throw in's not so bad an idea either.
8) It takes three full days for your body to acclimate to Indian cuisine.
7) Beaches aren't for swimming. They're for congregating.
6) No matter where you are, never tell any of your girlfriend's family you're undecided in your future. You'll wind up with a long list of arse-numbingly dull suggestions and unwanted expectations to follow through with them.
5) Cows are like tourists. They're sodding everywhere.
4) You don't casually cross a street in India. It's bleeding impossible. You close your eyes, pray to Merlin's goolies that you'll make it across, run for it, and try not to hit a cow.
3) Monkeys have no shame. The cheeky buggers'll stick their hands down your trouser pockets for anything in hopes of grabbing a peanut.
2) The Indians were really onto something with the whole Kama Sutra thing.
And lastly, the most important lesson I've learnt thus far on my Indian holiday:
1) Always drink bottled water. Always. Life or death, we're talking about here. But don't buy any from the kids on the street. And we thought You-Know-Who was a bloody menace.
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Now if you're going to be wanting one as a souvenir, you'll be needing to ask Padma about that. I draw the line at bovines.
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And if you're slapping their bums, please wash your hands before you enter Bayhall.
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I'll do that, right after I give your mum the best feel she's had in the past ten years.
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