Private

[mc_mike]

Just as things had started turning around.

Padma doesn't know where we stand. As friends, as housemates, as anything, really. I knew our stunt would be cause for an outburst, either angry or disappointed, and in all likelihood both, from her. She didn’t disappoint. Exceeded, in fact. I never expected for it to wind up here though, and where here is, I haven't a bloody clue. And it doesn't look like I'll be receiving an answer anytime soon. And even though I want to be angry with her, it's bleeding impossible. She’s Padma.

At least Cho and I have worked things through. I feel like a bloody fool for stopping her, though. She took me by surprise and I know my excuses weren’t brilliant, but I’ve been trying to make it up to her all week. She shot me down Saturday night, though I must admit to being a touch relieved. There’s something the bloody hell wrong with me. It shouldn’t matter. It SHOULD NOT matter. I should want to take her and shag her in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, not minding if the whole school is looking on. I thought I was feeling guilt before, but no. It wasn’t even close to now. Now is the kick-you-in-the-arse-fuck-you-up-and-down guilt. I can’t tell her about Pansy. I can’t tell anyone. I came close with Tony when he was egging me on about that ruddy bet. Took everything I damn near have not to set him straight on the spot.

Pansy and I . . . I believe we’re friends. I’ve agreed with her as much. And I do genuinely like her. Cor, where the hell did that come from? I’m still trying to determine how to go about a friendship without feeling some inklings of guilt and paranoia about someone catching on or wondering who else she has told. And after what happened with Hannah Abbot ... I still can’t believe she told sodding Malfoy, but I’ll have to trust Pansy knew what she was doing.

And speaking of friends – since when did Terry and that prat Finnigan become such great mates? That Apparated in out of nowhere.